Flowing Thoughts

Sep 28, 2022

Thank you Dear Reader for taking precious time in opening up this piece. This piece is a contribution to the STSC Symposium, a monthly set-theme collaboration between STSC writers. The topic for this upcoming issue is The Beach.

Before you begin, if you’re new, WELCOME! I’m glad to have you here. If you’ve been here before, glad to have you here once again with words of mine. I appreciate your supporting me.

I laid in bed with these thoughts in mind “I hate water yet I need it. I’ll go nowhere near the beach for it isn’t my natural habitat. But many love the beach, this bothers me. Why? Why is it so important to the lives of many? Especially on vacations?

So it brought me to the camping trip I went on last year with my wife - there I wrote and finished a novella to be republished someday in the future. Near the camping ground was a lake, and like many others, it was the go-to place for my wife, so she asked me to come with her. I went with her but sat on the beach as she walked close to the water. Here I’ll add again that I don’t like the water (due to my fear of drowning) but it got me thinking “This is the one place humans go to forget it all.”

It reminded me of the day I got baptized in a flowing river. My pastor told me to cover my nose and close my eyes as he pushed my head into the river and pulled it out. The sins of mine he said, washed away with the flowing river.

What a burden the river carried that day.

In bed, I continued to think of this mystery. To forget about it all. Why? So contemplations I began to think about while picturing the sounds of waves in my head. A place where many go to forget it all, to be at peace, to enjoy life. What an interesting thing it is.

From these thoughts, I began to think of my life and saw myself at the beach, with sands covering my feet as ants walk over it. What am I trying to forget here? What am I trying to figure out here?

I’m still a youngin that overthinks about everything which leads me to destroy what my hands create because of fear. And oh my days, I have destroyed so much. In my mind, I’m speaking to the lake or the ocean which will take my words and hopefully get me to realize something good from it all. As I continue to play with the sand, I look into the far distance. Yes, I have indeed destroyed so much of what I have created due to my thoughts of what could happen, what will happen, fear of what others might think and more. I have destroyed so much because I felt little, felt like my work was pointless (Sloth truly had me by the neck). I remember early on when I was starting to get into romantic relationships, kisses and I love yous. After a while, I would fall in love and break up the next day or so because I couldn’t dread losing her to death or to someone else. I still have more in my head, for example, the day I decided to delete all accounts of what I have written because who cares about them, surely no one does.

“It’s all pointless,” I thought.

“They all give zeros fucks,” I thought, “So what was the point of doing all of this. Surely everyone just reads it, laughs and walks away.”

Those were the days I used to depend on others to make me happy - the days when I was on Cloud 9 one minute and in hell the next. I continue to think of all these things, of what mattered and what didn’t. I think of these Earthly things I used to want, got, and now they are of no use to me.

So I continue to speak to the ocean, the ants continue to play with my feet while my wife coats herself with the salty water. People come here to the beach to contemplate. That has to be why they come to the beach, to let it all wash away, to see life is so much more than the Earthly things we chase. To see that there’s more to this than what we have been told.

The thoughts in my head have told me many things, and sometimes when I write, I show it. There was a time when I wrote a short essay on the art of mistakes, and in the introduction, I ridiculed myself for having written it. I had negative thoughts about it before I showed it to the world. And all these thoughts flowing through me now scream “Scared has you afraid of doing what you want to do in life.”

That’s about it all dear ocean. Fear still has a hold of me. Fear of the water killing me keeps me far away from the beach, yet the thoughts of the beach and what it could mean brought forth everything I have written here today.

So does this all change? Will I change and live fearlessly? I went a few months without sharing what I had written with the world. will that change? Or will I soon delete my work again?

There’s something I say to myself dear ocean, and it goes: No One Really Wants Me To Win. I asked myself just now if I should keep saying such words and the answer was No, I shouldn’t. Why belittle myself in this world the Lord has created? And so It comes back to the Lord.

I have strayed away from him, living with little faith in myself and in him. That’s been the cause of my troubles and my fear. I shall end this here and continue with the thoughts in my head.

Till Next Time,
Deo Volente
gkgaius